Movie Reviews

CHICAGO (CBS) ― In a world of Hollywood sequels, prequels, remakes and half-bakeds, expect Director Wolfgang Petersen's "Poseidon" to earn more cash than kudos as the first blockbuster of the 2006 summer season. At least it was fun going down with this ship – even if it was only computer generated.

Anyone over the age of 40 is sure to remember 1972's "The Poseidon Adventure," Producer Irwin Allen's star-studded, epic disaster flick about a luxury liner turned upside down by a tidal wave. If you're in your 30s, you may only remember the star-studded disaster, "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure" (1979), starring Michael Caine and Telly Savalas.

If you're only a baby, or your only point of reference in this life is September 11, then no worries – there's a Poseidon for you too! In 2005, Hallmark released a made-for-television two-parter, where New Trier H.S. alum Adam Baldwin (no relation to Alec, Daniel, William and Stephen!) stars as an Office of Homeland Security marshal on a ship turned topsy-turvy by a terrorist's beer keg bomb.

If anything, morbid curiosity should send Poseidon aficionados back to the box office May 12, the release date for this new film. Can 2006 star Josh Lucas, as professional gambler and loner Dylan Johns, top 1972's Gene Hackman as the doubting Reverand Frank Scott? Can Kurt Russell, as ex-firefighter/ex-Mayor of New York City and current overprotective parent Robert Ramsey possibly outlast the legendary Ernest Borgnine's Detective Lieutenant Mike Rogo? Will pop star Fergie (aka Stacy Ferguson) of the Black Eyed Peas win an Academy Award for "Won't Let You Fall," like Maureen McGovern did in 1972 for "The Song from the Poseidon Adventure" (aka "The Morning After")?

More importantly, will there be a hot teenage girl on vacation with her bratty little brother? And what about a "big boned" person who swims well underwater, a la the former swim champion played by Shelley Winters, who won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress? Could Richard Dreyfuss really be the new Red Buttons?

Chaos, claustrophobia and new characters
To its credit, Poseidon 2006 is new, and so are the characters. Yes, at 55, Kurt Russell may have been exactly the same age in 2006 as Ernest Borgnine was in 1972, but that's where the similarities end. Russell as Robert Ramsey? Please. Ramsey is no Snake Plissken. He's not even a computer who wore tennis shoes!

In fact, in 2006's Poseidon, there is no fat ex-swim champion. No man of the cloth. These are modern times! In addition to the gambling loner and ex-firefighting Mayor of NYC, there is a really hammered guy (played by Kevin Dillon); a jilted lover, first suicidal, then optimistic (Dreyfuss); a single mommy (Jacinda Barrett); teenage sweethearts (Emmy Rossum and Mike Vogul); kitchen help (Chicagoan Freddy Rodriguez); and, of course, a brat named Conor (Jimmy Bennett). For good measure, there's also a straight-from-the-headlines "illegal alien," a beautiful stowaway played by Argentinian Mia Maestro. Was she working May 1?

In all honesty, the stars of Poseiden are not among the mixed bag of actors, but the A-list producer, director, cinematographer, production designer, editor and everyone else not seen in this film. It's their work that truly stands out.

If the lengthy list of credits is any indication, then Special Effects Supervisor John Frazier is the real hero, as are the dozens of technicians, digital artists and software engineers who participated in the creation of this film. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall during what must have been a heated debate over the effects of tsunamis versus rogue waves!

Indeed, if anything, this crew has the water shots down. Bodies need to fly sideways 'cause your oceanliner is turning over? No problem! And if you like confined quarters, then this film definitely is for you. Rising water and shrinking airspace provide more than a few "McGyver moments," with life and death separated by only a few quick gasps. What do a fire hose, a crucifix and little hands have in common? Why, fun, silly!

Some suggested new plot lines
Alas, would Irwin Allen, the producer of TV's "Lost in Space," "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" and "Land of the Giants," who died in 1991, toss and turn in his grave, knowing that his widow, Sheila Allen (aka Sheila Matthews as Nurse Gina Rowe in the 1972 film), was behind this remake? Is "The Towering Inferno" (1974) next? What about "The Swarm" (1978)?

Here are five "what ifs" that might have made 2006's "Poseidon" the blockbuster it is bound to not be:
1) Revive the fat ex-swim champion: Bring on Big Oprah to play the ex-swim champion. If only Thin Oprah is available, hang up and throw in a gender twist – let's call American Idol's Reuben!
2) Put a kid in charge – or Gollum, from Lord of the Rings! Better yet, replace the kid with either a pet or a mischievous robot. When there's trouble ahead, who better to send into the flames than a parrot or a hamster. If you opt for the robot, have it be a practical joker, sending some of the passengers INTO flooded compartments rather than away from them. Robot: "GOTCHA!!"
3) Let the ballroom people live: In a sad twist of fate, have the wanderlust gang meet with a solid hull at the end – and not a blowtorch or open propeller shaft in sight. Meanwhile, the entire ballroom, which never stopped partying, swam to safety through an open porthole. Or, better yet, allow the wanderlust gang to survive, but when they emerge from the hull they are met with Fergie, who exclaims, "What took you so long?! We found a secret ladder!!" Fergie, of course, would be naked, having lost her gown to a flash fire.
4) Bring in the aliens: Just as the handful of survivors emerge, the entire ship is whisked away to outer space, where aliens experiment on the dead (but still good looking) Kurt Russell and ultimately resurrect him into Snake Plissken, which would explain the whole "Escape from New York/Escape from LA" thing.
5) Do not allow any fatalities: In the ultimate twist among disaster flicks, have everyone live – not a single mortality in the entire film … just property damage!! The action would take place in arguments among insurance adjusters and a yet to be named government agency, the new FEMA.

Or better yet, let everybody die. Yes, even the little kid. And with them all, so dies the Poseidon franchise. After more than 30 years of mishaps (aka "adventure") on the open seas, perhaps it's finally time for this oceanliner to sink silently into the sunset.

Steven Shundich is a Web editor and writer based in Chicago.


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